Overthinking

So i've realized that I have been overthinkin my whole relationship with my boyfriend. I understand now why he may not show me as much affection as I thought he would.....we have a long history together, we went through the cute stage about 5 years ago.....I really shouldnt have expected that stage to come back. But instead I should be happy that we are in the comfortable stage. And by that i mean that we know eachother so well that we can be completely comfortable around eachother....we are friends, best friends, and in the end it is your best friend you wanna be with. I do know he likes me, even if he doesnt hold my hand or give me cute compliments. Just the fact that he is still here, and even thinking about being with me in the future, that tells me he likes me......and thats all I need. So I'm gonna stop overthinking cause it's really not healthy. Everything is going good :-)

Go with the Flow

I have obvioulsy been thinking a lot about my situation with my boyfriend....and even though it is not even close to where I wish it was I have decided the best thing I can do for now is to just go with the flow. I know he hasnt fallen in love with me yet, not even close, and I know he isnt as affection as he could be with someone he likes. I know I may not complitely trust him or believe that things will ever get better. But I can not give up, not yet. So while I wait to see what happens I just need to go with it. I mean who knows, maybe in time he will fall in love with me....maybe he just needs to forget about his ex first. Maybe we just need to have some more fun weekends together for him to realize that we do make a good match. And maybe i just need to stay positive because I do not want my negativity to influence him. If I mope around all the time of course he isnt gonna enjoy that much. It`s incredibly hard for me not to know how the future will turn out for us....because I know I am in love with him and I know I want to be with him forever....but I dont know what he wants. And i know that I will be so hurt and sad if things dont work out.....but even then I have to stay positive and realize that maybe it just wasnt meant to be. So instead of overthinking all of this again and again I need to just go with the flow and hope it all works out in the end :-)

My Dilemma

So I have been with my boyfriend for not even a month yet and I allready feel like it's going to end, and it makes me very sad. i dont know if I'm just too paranoid or too impatient....i dont know how I should be feeling. But here is my issue....things seem to be going fine, he spend the night at my house almost everynight....that should mean he likes me right? Well I keep comparing our relationship to the one he used to have with his ex. I know I shouldnt be doing that but I cant help it. When they first started going out he was in love with her instantly....he wanted the whole world to know that they were together. He posted on facebook that he was in a relationship with her, even edited his interests to her and all that...they always wrote on eachothers wall how much they loved eachother and he would tell her she was beautiful all the time. They would hold hands in public, kiss and things like that. They were very happy and very in love and he called her the love of his life. Well now that he is with me he is not like that at all. He doesnt want to change his status on facebook....it's almost like he doesnt want anyone to know we're together....he never writes on my wall.....he never compliments me in real life.....he never holds my hand or kisses me in public. I understand he is not in love with me yet....but if he likes me a lot, shouldnt he want to be close to me? shouldnt he want to hold my hand and kiss me and compliment me and do all those things? I'm not saying he has to tell me he loves me or call me the love of his life....all i want is for him to show me a little bit of affection. Sometimes it feels like we're just friends hanging out....and I want it to feel like more then that considering the fact that we are more then that. I know I love him and he is not at the same stage as me....but I dont think it's too much of me to ask that he just shows me that he at least likes me. i dont want to be strung a long and if the only reason he is with me is so that he is not alone, if he is just using me right now then that's just cruel. it allready breaks my heart to think its not gonna work out. And i know you might be wondering why I dont just end it with him since I'm not really that happy with him....but like I said....I love him. And every day I hope things change and he falls in love with me. I know there will eventually come a breaking point....either I confront him or he breaks up with me....or maybe, just maybe, I'm overthinking everything and things will work out and be wonderful in the end.

cant get rid of this feeling

So i have been seeing this guy for a couple of months now....actually we are officially in a relationship now.....I should be happy, right? well I'm not, not because my feelings changed or anything like that...I still love him just as much as before, but....I dont think he feels the same way about me, and it's driving me nuts. I cant help but feel that it just wont work out, and i know I have to stop thinking this way so that I dont sabotage this relationship all on my own. The thing is though that I know him quite well....I know how he acts when he really likes someone....and he is not acting that way with me. Most of the time I feel like we are just hanging out as friends....we never cuddle when we watch a movie, we never hold hands, show no affection in public, he doesnt give me compliments or tells me how he feels about me ever. It's just weird. I try not to compare our relationship to his previous one cause I know we are not the same, but I cant help it. he loved his ex so much, he had no problem telling the whole world that he was with her and how he felt about her....they showed affection all the time, he did everything and anything for her. I just wish it could be like that for us. Maybe we just need more time, but sometimes I almost feel like he is forcing himself to try and have feeling for me. It's like he likes the idea of me....he knows I'm loyal, i'm a good person and i'm attractive (not trying to sound conceited), so he knows i would be a good person to be with, but the feelings are not there and it just seems like he is forcing himself to try and get them. I hate it, i wish I could just know whats going on. Instead I feel like i'm stuck in limbo, i want to be with him so I'm gonna put up with it all, but it makes me feel numb inside cause i just dont trust him. i wish it could work out, and I so hope I'm wrong. I just need to stop thinking about it. i need to try and focus on the good stuff. i need to focus on the fact that he is still here, and still spending every night with me.....

To Love

Right now in this very moment, I am sitting here thinking about a special someone, and thinking about him makes my heart feel so much warmth, but so much pain at the same time. Have you ever wanted to be with someone so much, it hurts? Yeah, thats how I feel right now. There is this guy, who I have a long history with, and who has hurt me many times in the past, yet I cant forget him, I cant let him go. Sometimes I wonder what it is that makes him have such a hold on me.....I hate it that he has a hold on me. There were times when I felt like i could move on and be over him, and everytime I felt that way, he somehow crawled back in to my life and somehow those feelings came back all at once. i cant seem to shake them.....sometimes I wish I could. He's been giving me hope that there is still a chance for us, and I have been clinging on to this hope so much, its unhealthy. I'm fully aware that my heart is completely on the line, it's out in the open to be taken and crushed....and I am fully aware that there is a good chance that that is exactly whats going to happen. But there is a small part of me that keeps telling me....what if? what if this time it really will work out? what if he has changed, and grown up, and realized that maybe we are meant for eachother? What if he is meant to be my soulmate? I can't just turn my back and forget about these thoughts, I cant just let it go. I have to give it a try and see what happens.....even if it means I will get completely crushed......and I will be completely crushed if it doesnt work out this time. i really do love this guy....and I can see such a great future for us....filled with love and fun and just being together :-) The future looks so good...I want it so bad. I hope this time its my time....i really hope so. But all I can do is hope.....

Global Warming

So the weather so far this summer has been very bad. Very rainy and cooler then normal. I've heard lots of people say "So much for Global Warming!", and that really annoys me. The reason it annoys me is that people clearly assume that global warming means it's supposed to get hotter. However, global warming means that there is a change in climate....it could get warmer or colder, or just different then normal. It's been quite obvious in the last few years that ther weather is changing. Summers havent been so nice anymore, winters have been different, there has been storms more frequently....it's just changing everywhere, and I wish more people would acknowledge that. I wish people would finally realize that changes need to happen on this earth. But I know that some people are still just absolutely clueless to this. Some people still dont believe in recycling, in conserving energy, and just taking care of the planet. Some people even think that global warming is some sort of a conspiracy theory! Are you kidding me? The evidence is soooo obvious! I hope that more and more people start making changes, even if they are small changes....every little change helps. I, for example, changed all my light bulbs to energy saving ones, I recycle, and I am trying to get rid of all plastics in my house and replace them with more environmentally friendly things. I use environmentally friendly cleaning products, and shopping bags, I try not to leave my lights on everywhere, and I unplug things that I'm not using. And maybe what I'm doing isn's as much as I could be, but I am still learning of what else I could do and will hopefully be making more changes in the future. And again, every little things helps, I think. So please start thinking about our earth and where it's heading, and try to do something....anything :-)

Magical Place and Mourning all in one

So I went away for the weekend, to the most magical place I know. It is a place that is on the lake, outside of a small town. it is incredibly beautiful. There is a small sandy beach, and the swimming is great too. The water is fairly shallow and its all sandy as you walk out. It just feels magical to me. I can feel the spirit flow through me when I stand there at the lake, it's amazing. It's a place I go to to find peace and quiet. And thats what I did this weekend, although unfortunately it did not quite turn out that way. I wanted a weekend all to myself, and then my sister showed up. Not that i dont love her or like spending time with her, but she can be a bit difficult sometimes, a bit selfish. We get in to arguments often cause we are very different people. She is not very emotional, doesnt really know how to look deep inside of herself. Whereas I am very emotional and like to talk about my feelings and stuff. So this weekend I just didnt want any of those arguments, I just wanted to have time to look at my feelings and analyze and such. I had one really nice day, and then she came, and although it was still allright, it wasnt what I was hoping for. so i think I may have to take a trip there again later this summer, and this time i wont be telling her about it. I just really need that alone time sometimes to keep myself from going insane. I'm battling with a few personal issues that I really need to work through, that I need to find a way to deal with. I'm not in the mood to talk about those issues right now, but I will eventually.
The other thing that happened this weekend is that Michael Jackson died. surprisingly this was a huge shock to me and i was actually kinda sad. I know that in the past years he has gotten very weird but i cant forget the talent he had. I cant forget the fact that he once was the most amazing artist ever. I still love his music and still listen to it as well. I know he has been accused of touching little boys and things like that, and not that i think thats ok, or that I'm trying to defend him, but it has never been proven, and I guess it never will be. He is the kind of person that i found extremely interesting. Although it was very sad to see what he made of his life and who he became, it is interesting to me to know why he was like that. Why did he make those changes to his own body? why did he feel the need to change skin colour? I have sooo many questions, and they will never be answered. I just think that you cant judge someone until you truly know them, until you've walked a mile in their shoes. And who know what he had to go through in his life and why he ended up the way he was. Maybe I would be proven wrong, maybe not though. I guess no one will ever know. R.I.P. Michael <3

swiss treats mmmmh

so today i got all these yummie treats from switzerland. I love the food in europe and the chocolate in switzerland is the best :-) so as you can imagine I am in heaven right now lol. I really dont have a lot to say, I never usually do when i'm happy. I alwasy have more to say when something is bothering me. But the last couple of days everything has been going much better. Things with my bestie have been going better....i think sometimes we just go through phases....all though I'm still not a 100% sure if its over, but I'm glad its going better :-) I'm just happy with all my treats, and tomorrow i am going to a place that is the most peaceful place on earth to me...I am super excited about it and i will explain about this magical place another time. For now this is all I'm gonna write, peace to all!

"and when you look at your reflection, is it all you want it to be?"

I know I keep going back to the same thing, but it's really been bothering me lately. I am not usually the type to talk about other people behind their back. But since I am using this as my own personal therapy, I have to get my feelings out. I have to write about whats bothering me, or I will never find peace. I have to go back to talking about my best friend. I'm just feeling so weird about our friendship lately. I really do believe our age difference is getting in the way, our living together, and the fact she still doesnt have a job and is probably depressed about it. I wish I could be more supportive to her, I wish I could help her. But everytime I make a suggestion she doesnt take well to it. It seems like she just wants to be left alone...so I'm trying to leave her alone. But now she is starting to not tell me things anymore...I feel like we are becoming more distant. Maybe it's just a phase we are going through, i hope thats all it is. But I feel like I'm slowly losing her, and at the same time sometimes i feel like I want to lose her. If I was to leave, move in to my own place, I wouldnt have to worry about her anymore...i wouldnt have to wonder about our friendship and where it went wrong. i wouldnt have to wonder where she is and if she is ok. I wouldnt have to wonder what I could have done differently in our friendship. I would be free, but i would be alone. I hope we can get past this...i miss the times when we were super close...when she would actually trust me with things, when we went out and did silly things, went for drives to try and get lost, went shopping, drank together, laughed at ourselves, couldnt speak properly but still understood eachother, said the same thing at the same time.....those were my favourite times. Now her boyfriend will be moving in and I feel like i will be nothing anymore. Some people tell me that if it's that easy for me to be nothing to her, then she was never really my true friend. But I dont want to believe that, I would rather believe that she is 17 and just doesnt know any better...and maybe later on in life, when she has had more life experiences and grown up a bit, maybe she will have respect for me again, and maybe we will be friends again. I'm talking like I have allready lost her...i can't help it, my gut tells me that thats what is going to happen. My gut is right a lot (not everytime, but a lot). There is one more chance that I am clinging to. we are supposed to be going on a roadtrip together in sept. If it does actually happen, I am hoping we will bond again, and get some of our closeness back. all I can do is hope i guess. I wish this wouldnt bother me anymore, and I could just accept it the way it is, but it hurts. it makes me wonder where it is I keep going wrong. I keep trying my best to always be there for my friends, be supportive, but for some reason it's never enough. I'm always second best. It's why I feel insecure, its why I worry about losing my friends, because sometimes I do lose them. It's the reason I want to isolate myself sometimes. Like I said before...if' I'm all alone I can't get hurt. But i don;t want to be all alone, I dont want to give up hope that there isnt someone out there who I can connect with and have a deep friendship with. I just wish i could find it soon, so I wouldnt have to keep wondering....I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

Bored

there is not a whole lot of excitment going on in my life lately. Most of my friends are always too busy to hang out, and even though i do enjoy my alone time, sometimes it does get really boring and lonely. My best friend, who I live with, is extremely moody lately so she is getting on my nerves quite a bit. She hasn't had a job for a while so she just kinda bums around all the time, and we can never go out and have fun anymore cause she has no money. I know it must be hard for her and thats why she is moody, but at the same time sometimes i feel like she is not trying hard enough to find a job....she is too picky. And i think that if you are so picky then you shouldnt have a right to complain about not having a job. I think living together is slowly getting to us. Even though we have lived together for almost a year and have never really had any problems, I feel like the problems are slowly coming. Maybe things would be different if she did have a job, but she doesnt. I hope she gets one soon though cause i really really dont want our friendship to be ruined. On the other hand, i feel like if she does get a job and make new friends she will forget about me. I know I sound stupid right now, and even a little bit insecure, but I have my reasons for it. I have lost a lot of friends because someone else always seems to be more important. And she is only 17 and sometimes looks at me differently cause I'm older, sometimes i'm not cool enough for her anymore cause i dont wanna party all the time. It just really bugs me that I feel like I dont have anyone I can truly trust and count on, it makes me sad. But I guess thats why i have learnt to like being by myself and make the best of it. If you're all alone, no one can hurt you. Sometimes i wish I was far away on a secluded island with no one to bother me and I can do what I want and no one will hurt me.....but then I also think that it would be sad not to have someone love you. I know I have my family who I can trust and count on, but it doesnt feel the same as having a best friend. I don't know, I guess I have too much time on my hands right now to think about all this. I'm bored and it bothers me that I have no one to go and do anything with cause everyone is too busy. And my "best" friend just doesnt wanna do anything cause she is grumpy, which in turn makes me grumpy. Ughh.... i dont know if i will ever find that right person, whether it's a boyfriend, or just a good friend...but I hope i do, i don't wanna feel this way forever, I dont always wanna be alone :(

Another day

So i've been finding it hard to find the time to write in my blog. It's kind of strange, my life is not that busy, but something always seems to come in the way. I like to write in here when I have total peace and quiet, so that I can really think about what i want to write and how I'm feeling at the moment. But I guess when you live with 3 other people it's hard to find that peace and quiet. Even right now it's not exactly quiet, but i decided to take the time anyway, I've been craving to write. I'm not even really sure what to write about today, but i feel like i need to write something. I guess in a way I can feel a change coming on, and its making me feel anxious, curious, but also maybe a little worried. Two of my roommates are moving out, and that leaves me and my best friend. My best friend happens to be a few years younger then me, she is only 17. But we get along great, we understand eachother when no one else does, we have fun and do silly things. Sometimes, however, I do notice our age difference and it's really hard not to mother her. I don't want to be her mother, i want to be her friend. And when I try to give her friendly advice, sometimes she takes it as mother advice, and that can be really frustrating. It's frustrating for me to watch her make mistakes and having to keep my mouth shut. I know it's good for her to learn from her own mistakes, but sometimes i would really just like to voice my opinion. And those are the times I have to hold myself back. sometimes I wonder if she is going in the right direction in her life and if we will be best friends forever. I hope we will, i would miss her a lot :-( But here come the changes..... we are having her boyfriend move in with us. In a way I'm excited, but in a way it scares me. I wonder if i will just be the third wheel from now on, if she will still make time for me? I wonder if he will take her in the wrong direction, as he has before? I hope she has learned enough from me to be stronger and better, andhave enough of a backbone to be able to stand up for herself. And i hope that he means it when he says he wants to better his life, because I know he has it in him to be a good person. i really really hope all this works out and we can all live happily together :-) but thats all the time I have right now, hopefully i will find time again soon

Alone time

I used to live alone and I loved it. I loved the fact that I could be in my own space and no one was there to judge me. I could do whatever I wanted. If i wanted to stay in my Pj's all day and lay around on the couch and be lazy that was ok. I had my own routines and habits and it was great. sure sometimes it got a little lonely and I wished I had someone there, but those were the times i would pick up the phone and make plans with a friend.
I don't live alone anymore. at first I thought it would be really exciting, living with people, having someone there to do fun stuff with and not being alone. And we do have times when it's like that, when everyone gets along and we have fun. But honestly, for the most part I miss living by myself. Sometimes I feel almost closterphobic. I feel stressed out and I cant think properly. I'm just so not used to it, so not used to being able to be myself completely. i feel like I'm being judged sometimes, like i have to watch what I'm doing. I feel uncomfortable, and not at home. Like right now for example, my roommate ( who happens to be my brother), is having sex with his gf in the bathroom. The bathroom is right beside my room, their bedroom is in the basement. why do they have to be so dissrespecful and do it in the bathroom where I'm sure they know I can here them...why not go to their room? it just makes it even more uncomfortable.
I'm craving to live on my own again, to have my own space, to feel at home. I miss being able to be myself and be weird if I wanna be weird. I just wanna be free and have no one else to worry about

Personal Therapy

I'm not really sure where to begin, I have never really blogged before, but I need an outlet. I figured writing is the healthiest way to go about it, so I'm doing this as sort of my own personal therapy, I hope it works! I have so much bottled up inside of me....so many thoughts about life, this world, and just everything. I also have a lot of drama going on in my life at the moment, which is very strange to me. I'm the kind of person that likes to stay away from drama. I like to stay out of other people's business, I would actually prefer to be left alone. But, somehow drama keeps finding me. My dad was trying to explain this to me the other day, his explanation was that because I am the kind of person that tries to stay neutral in different situations people are drawn to me, and feel like they can tell me anything, which in return gets me involved in other peoples business. But lately it hasn't just been that. Latley I have taken some personal hits as well. Mainly from girls. So here is what i dont understand, why do some girls have to be so difficult? I'm a girl, and I know I don't act that way, then again i act different from most people. The situation has been this: I have a lot of guy friends. I'm not a tomboy but I'm not a girly girl either. I like to wear make up and dress nicely, but I also like to watch sports, have a drink and just chill. I've just always been that way, always felt more comfortable around guys (althought I do have some really awesome girlfriends too). So some of my guy friends have been getting new girlfriends, and i have never had a problem with this before. Always gotten along with the new girls, always welcomed them with open arms in to our circle of friends. However, these few girls have decided they dont want to be welcomed. they haven't tried to talk to me, to get to know me, to even just give me the time of day. I've been told that they feel threatened by me, apparently because I'm single. I just don't get that, how is that fair? How can these girls judge me based on that one simple fact. If they gave me a chance, tried to get to know me, they would know that I am not interested in my guy friends in that way at all, and I never have been. So how could I be a threat? Why couldnt they take the time to get to know me? It really bothers me.... they have actually even started trash talking me to my friends. thank go my friends know me better then that. I have only lost a couple of guy friends now because of these girls. And it hurts of course, because I did nothing wrong. I understand when you get in a relationship things change and the girl friend should come first. But your friends shouldnt be forgotten. i don't understand why we all can't hang out together sometimes, get to know eachother and just have a good time. I am mostly disturbed at the trash talking....how can you call me a slut and needy when you have no idea who I am? you have no idea what I'm like, where I've been, what I've seen, what I;ve went through etc. They have no idea who I am. If they did know, they would know that I'm a good person, I love my friends and am there for them for anything. Again, I just don't understand how I'm a threat? I'm probably the most harmless person ever lol

Just Quickly

Today is my first day blogging, I have sooo much on my mind. But I dont really have time at the moment to write it all down, I just wanted to get this set up. I will open up my mind for you soon...