"and when you look at your reflection, is it all you want it to be?"

I know I keep going back to the same thing, but it's really been bothering me lately. I am not usually the type to talk about other people behind their back. But since I am using this as my own personal therapy, I have to get my feelings out. I have to write about whats bothering me, or I will never find peace. I have to go back to talking about my best friend. I'm just feeling so weird about our friendship lately. I really do believe our age difference is getting in the way, our living together, and the fact she still doesnt have a job and is probably depressed about it. I wish I could be more supportive to her, I wish I could help her. But everytime I make a suggestion she doesnt take well to it. It seems like she just wants to be left alone...so I'm trying to leave her alone. But now she is starting to not tell me things anymore...I feel like we are becoming more distant. Maybe it's just a phase we are going through, i hope thats all it is. But I feel like I'm slowly losing her, and at the same time sometimes i feel like I want to lose her. If I was to leave, move in to my own place, I wouldnt have to worry about her anymore...i wouldnt have to wonder about our friendship and where it went wrong. i wouldnt have to wonder where she is and if she is ok. I wouldnt have to wonder what I could have done differently in our friendship. I would be free, but i would be alone. I hope we can get past this...i miss the times when we were super close...when she would actually trust me with things, when we went out and did silly things, went for drives to try and get lost, went shopping, drank together, laughed at ourselves, couldnt speak properly but still understood eachother, said the same thing at the same time.....those were my favourite times. Now her boyfriend will be moving in and I feel like i will be nothing anymore. Some people tell me that if it's that easy for me to be nothing to her, then she was never really my true friend. But I dont want to believe that, I would rather believe that she is 17 and just doesnt know any better...and maybe later on in life, when she has had more life experiences and grown up a bit, maybe she will have respect for me again, and maybe we will be friends again. I'm talking like I have allready lost her...i can't help it, my gut tells me that thats what is going to happen. My gut is right a lot (not everytime, but a lot). There is one more chance that I am clinging to. we are supposed to be going on a roadtrip together in sept. If it does actually happen, I am hoping we will bond again, and get some of our closeness back. all I can do is hope i guess. I wish this wouldnt bother me anymore, and I could just accept it the way it is, but it hurts. it makes me wonder where it is I keep going wrong. I keep trying my best to always be there for my friends, be supportive, but for some reason it's never enough. I'm always second best. It's why I feel insecure, its why I worry about losing my friends, because sometimes I do lose them. It's the reason I want to isolate myself sometimes. Like I said before...if' I'm all alone I can't get hurt. But i don;t want to be all alone, I dont want to give up hope that there isnt someone out there who I can connect with and have a deep friendship with. I just wish i could find it soon, so I wouldnt have to keep wondering....I don't want to feel sorry for myself.