Magical Place and Mourning all in one

So I went away for the weekend, to the most magical place I know. It is a place that is on the lake, outside of a small town. it is incredibly beautiful. There is a small sandy beach, and the swimming is great too. The water is fairly shallow and its all sandy as you walk out. It just feels magical to me. I can feel the spirit flow through me when I stand there at the lake, it's amazing. It's a place I go to to find peace and quiet. And thats what I did this weekend, although unfortunately it did not quite turn out that way. I wanted a weekend all to myself, and then my sister showed up. Not that i dont love her or like spending time with her, but she can be a bit difficult sometimes, a bit selfish. We get in to arguments often cause we are very different people. She is not very emotional, doesnt really know how to look deep inside of herself. Whereas I am very emotional and like to talk about my feelings and stuff. So this weekend I just didnt want any of those arguments, I just wanted to have time to look at my feelings and analyze and such. I had one really nice day, and then she came, and although it was still allright, it wasnt what I was hoping for. so i think I may have to take a trip there again later this summer, and this time i wont be telling her about it. I just really need that alone time sometimes to keep myself from going insane. I'm battling with a few personal issues that I really need to work through, that I need to find a way to deal with. I'm not in the mood to talk about those issues right now, but I will eventually.
The other thing that happened this weekend is that Michael Jackson died. surprisingly this was a huge shock to me and i was actually kinda sad. I know that in the past years he has gotten very weird but i cant forget the talent he had. I cant forget the fact that he once was the most amazing artist ever. I still love his music and still listen to it as well. I know he has been accused of touching little boys and things like that, and not that i think thats ok, or that I'm trying to defend him, but it has never been proven, and I guess it never will be. He is the kind of person that i found extremely interesting. Although it was very sad to see what he made of his life and who he became, it is interesting to me to know why he was like that. Why did he make those changes to his own body? why did he feel the need to change skin colour? I have sooo many questions, and they will never be answered. I just think that you cant judge someone until you truly know them, until you've walked a mile in their shoes. And who know what he had to go through in his life and why he ended up the way he was. Maybe I would be proven wrong, maybe not though. I guess no one will ever know. R.I.P. Michael <3

swiss treats mmmmh

so today i got all these yummie treats from switzerland. I love the food in europe and the chocolate in switzerland is the best :-) so as you can imagine I am in heaven right now lol. I really dont have a lot to say, I never usually do when i'm happy. I alwasy have more to say when something is bothering me. But the last couple of days everything has been going much better. Things with my bestie have been going better....i think sometimes we just go through phases....all though I'm still not a 100% sure if its over, but I'm glad its going better :-) I'm just happy with all my treats, and tomorrow i am going to a place that is the most peaceful place on earth to me...I am super excited about it and i will explain about this magical place another time. For now this is all I'm gonna write, peace to all!

"and when you look at your reflection, is it all you want it to be?"

I know I keep going back to the same thing, but it's really been bothering me lately. I am not usually the type to talk about other people behind their back. But since I am using this as my own personal therapy, I have to get my feelings out. I have to write about whats bothering me, or I will never find peace. I have to go back to talking about my best friend. I'm just feeling so weird about our friendship lately. I really do believe our age difference is getting in the way, our living together, and the fact she still doesnt have a job and is probably depressed about it. I wish I could be more supportive to her, I wish I could help her. But everytime I make a suggestion she doesnt take well to it. It seems like she just wants to be left alone...so I'm trying to leave her alone. But now she is starting to not tell me things anymore...I feel like we are becoming more distant. Maybe it's just a phase we are going through, i hope thats all it is. But I feel like I'm slowly losing her, and at the same time sometimes i feel like I want to lose her. If I was to leave, move in to my own place, I wouldnt have to worry about her anymore...i wouldnt have to wonder about our friendship and where it went wrong. i wouldnt have to wonder where she is and if she is ok. I wouldnt have to wonder what I could have done differently in our friendship. I would be free, but i would be alone. I hope we can get past this...i miss the times when we were super close...when she would actually trust me with things, when we went out and did silly things, went for drives to try and get lost, went shopping, drank together, laughed at ourselves, couldnt speak properly but still understood eachother, said the same thing at the same time.....those were my favourite times. Now her boyfriend will be moving in and I feel like i will be nothing anymore. Some people tell me that if it's that easy for me to be nothing to her, then she was never really my true friend. But I dont want to believe that, I would rather believe that she is 17 and just doesnt know any better...and maybe later on in life, when she has had more life experiences and grown up a bit, maybe she will have respect for me again, and maybe we will be friends again. I'm talking like I have allready lost her...i can't help it, my gut tells me that thats what is going to happen. My gut is right a lot (not everytime, but a lot). There is one more chance that I am clinging to. we are supposed to be going on a roadtrip together in sept. If it does actually happen, I am hoping we will bond again, and get some of our closeness back. all I can do is hope i guess. I wish this wouldnt bother me anymore, and I could just accept it the way it is, but it hurts. it makes me wonder where it is I keep going wrong. I keep trying my best to always be there for my friends, be supportive, but for some reason it's never enough. I'm always second best. It's why I feel insecure, its why I worry about losing my friends, because sometimes I do lose them. It's the reason I want to isolate myself sometimes. Like I said before...if' I'm all alone I can't get hurt. But i don;t want to be all alone, I dont want to give up hope that there isnt someone out there who I can connect with and have a deep friendship with. I just wish i could find it soon, so I wouldnt have to keep wondering....I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

Bored

there is not a whole lot of excitment going on in my life lately. Most of my friends are always too busy to hang out, and even though i do enjoy my alone time, sometimes it does get really boring and lonely. My best friend, who I live with, is extremely moody lately so she is getting on my nerves quite a bit. She hasn't had a job for a while so she just kinda bums around all the time, and we can never go out and have fun anymore cause she has no money. I know it must be hard for her and thats why she is moody, but at the same time sometimes i feel like she is not trying hard enough to find a job....she is too picky. And i think that if you are so picky then you shouldnt have a right to complain about not having a job. I think living together is slowly getting to us. Even though we have lived together for almost a year and have never really had any problems, I feel like the problems are slowly coming. Maybe things would be different if she did have a job, but she doesnt. I hope she gets one soon though cause i really really dont want our friendship to be ruined. On the other hand, i feel like if she does get a job and make new friends she will forget about me. I know I sound stupid right now, and even a little bit insecure, but I have my reasons for it. I have lost a lot of friends because someone else always seems to be more important. And she is only 17 and sometimes looks at me differently cause I'm older, sometimes i'm not cool enough for her anymore cause i dont wanna party all the time. It just really bugs me that I feel like I dont have anyone I can truly trust and count on, it makes me sad. But I guess thats why i have learnt to like being by myself and make the best of it. If you're all alone, no one can hurt you. Sometimes i wish I was far away on a secluded island with no one to bother me and I can do what I want and no one will hurt me.....but then I also think that it would be sad not to have someone love you. I know I have my family who I can trust and count on, but it doesnt feel the same as having a best friend. I don't know, I guess I have too much time on my hands right now to think about all this. I'm bored and it bothers me that I have no one to go and do anything with cause everyone is too busy. And my "best" friend just doesnt wanna do anything cause she is grumpy, which in turn makes me grumpy. Ughh.... i dont know if i will ever find that right person, whether it's a boyfriend, or just a good friend...but I hope i do, i don't wanna feel this way forever, I dont always wanna be alone :(

Another day

So i've been finding it hard to find the time to write in my blog. It's kind of strange, my life is not that busy, but something always seems to come in the way. I like to write in here when I have total peace and quiet, so that I can really think about what i want to write and how I'm feeling at the moment. But I guess when you live with 3 other people it's hard to find that peace and quiet. Even right now it's not exactly quiet, but i decided to take the time anyway, I've been craving to write. I'm not even really sure what to write about today, but i feel like i need to write something. I guess in a way I can feel a change coming on, and its making me feel anxious, curious, but also maybe a little worried. Two of my roommates are moving out, and that leaves me and my best friend. My best friend happens to be a few years younger then me, she is only 17. But we get along great, we understand eachother when no one else does, we have fun and do silly things. Sometimes, however, I do notice our age difference and it's really hard not to mother her. I don't want to be her mother, i want to be her friend. And when I try to give her friendly advice, sometimes she takes it as mother advice, and that can be really frustrating. It's frustrating for me to watch her make mistakes and having to keep my mouth shut. I know it's good for her to learn from her own mistakes, but sometimes i would really just like to voice my opinion. And those are the times I have to hold myself back. sometimes I wonder if she is going in the right direction in her life and if we will be best friends forever. I hope we will, i would miss her a lot :-( But here come the changes..... we are having her boyfriend move in with us. In a way I'm excited, but in a way it scares me. I wonder if i will just be the third wheel from now on, if she will still make time for me? I wonder if he will take her in the wrong direction, as he has before? I hope she has learned enough from me to be stronger and better, andhave enough of a backbone to be able to stand up for herself. And i hope that he means it when he says he wants to better his life, because I know he has it in him to be a good person. i really really hope all this works out and we can all live happily together :-) but thats all the time I have right now, hopefully i will find time again soon

Alone time

I used to live alone and I loved it. I loved the fact that I could be in my own space and no one was there to judge me. I could do whatever I wanted. If i wanted to stay in my Pj's all day and lay around on the couch and be lazy that was ok. I had my own routines and habits and it was great. sure sometimes it got a little lonely and I wished I had someone there, but those were the times i would pick up the phone and make plans with a friend.
I don't live alone anymore. at first I thought it would be really exciting, living with people, having someone there to do fun stuff with and not being alone. And we do have times when it's like that, when everyone gets along and we have fun. But honestly, for the most part I miss living by myself. Sometimes I feel almost closterphobic. I feel stressed out and I cant think properly. I'm just so not used to it, so not used to being able to be myself completely. i feel like I'm being judged sometimes, like i have to watch what I'm doing. I feel uncomfortable, and not at home. Like right now for example, my roommate ( who happens to be my brother), is having sex with his gf in the bathroom. The bathroom is right beside my room, their bedroom is in the basement. why do they have to be so dissrespecful and do it in the bathroom where I'm sure they know I can here them...why not go to their room? it just makes it even more uncomfortable.
I'm craving to live on my own again, to have my own space, to feel at home. I miss being able to be myself and be weird if I wanna be weird. I just wanna be free and have no one else to worry about