Overthinking

So i've realized that I have been overthinkin my whole relationship with my boyfriend. I understand now why he may not show me as much affection as I thought he would.....we have a long history together, we went through the cute stage about 5 years ago.....I really shouldnt have expected that stage to come back. But instead I should be happy that we are in the comfortable stage. And by that i mean that we know eachother so well that we can be completely comfortable around eachother....we are friends, best friends, and in the end it is your best friend you wanna be with. I do know he likes me, even if he doesnt hold my hand or give me cute compliments. Just the fact that he is still here, and even thinking about being with me in the future, that tells me he likes me......and thats all I need. So I'm gonna stop overthinking cause it's really not healthy. Everything is going good :-)

Go with the Flow

I have obvioulsy been thinking a lot about my situation with my boyfriend....and even though it is not even close to where I wish it was I have decided the best thing I can do for now is to just go with the flow. I know he hasnt fallen in love with me yet, not even close, and I know he isnt as affection as he could be with someone he likes. I know I may not complitely trust him or believe that things will ever get better. But I can not give up, not yet. So while I wait to see what happens I just need to go with it. I mean who knows, maybe in time he will fall in love with me....maybe he just needs to forget about his ex first. Maybe we just need to have some more fun weekends together for him to realize that we do make a good match. And maybe i just need to stay positive because I do not want my negativity to influence him. If I mope around all the time of course he isnt gonna enjoy that much. It`s incredibly hard for me not to know how the future will turn out for us....because I know I am in love with him and I know I want to be with him forever....but I dont know what he wants. And i know that I will be so hurt and sad if things dont work out.....but even then I have to stay positive and realize that maybe it just wasnt meant to be. So instead of overthinking all of this again and again I need to just go with the flow and hope it all works out in the end :-)

My Dilemma

So I have been with my boyfriend for not even a month yet and I allready feel like it's going to end, and it makes me very sad. i dont know if I'm just too paranoid or too impatient....i dont know how I should be feeling. But here is my issue....things seem to be going fine, he spend the night at my house almost everynight....that should mean he likes me right? Well I keep comparing our relationship to the one he used to have with his ex. I know I shouldnt be doing that but I cant help it. When they first started going out he was in love with her instantly....he wanted the whole world to know that they were together. He posted on facebook that he was in a relationship with her, even edited his interests to her and all that...they always wrote on eachothers wall how much they loved eachother and he would tell her she was beautiful all the time. They would hold hands in public, kiss and things like that. They were very happy and very in love and he called her the love of his life. Well now that he is with me he is not like that at all. He doesnt want to change his status on facebook....it's almost like he doesnt want anyone to know we're together....he never writes on my wall.....he never compliments me in real life.....he never holds my hand or kisses me in public. I understand he is not in love with me yet....but if he likes me a lot, shouldnt he want to be close to me? shouldnt he want to hold my hand and kiss me and compliment me and do all those things? I'm not saying he has to tell me he loves me or call me the love of his life....all i want is for him to show me a little bit of affection. Sometimes it feels like we're just friends hanging out....and I want it to feel like more then that considering the fact that we are more then that. I know I love him and he is not at the same stage as me....but I dont think it's too much of me to ask that he just shows me that he at least likes me. i dont want to be strung a long and if the only reason he is with me is so that he is not alone, if he is just using me right now then that's just cruel. it allready breaks my heart to think its not gonna work out. And i know you might be wondering why I dont just end it with him since I'm not really that happy with him....but like I said....I love him. And every day I hope things change and he falls in love with me. I know there will eventually come a breaking point....either I confront him or he breaks up with me....or maybe, just maybe, I'm overthinking everything and things will work out and be wonderful in the end.

cant get rid of this feeling

So i have been seeing this guy for a couple of months now....actually we are officially in a relationship now.....I should be happy, right? well I'm not, not because my feelings changed or anything like that...I still love him just as much as before, but....I dont think he feels the same way about me, and it's driving me nuts. I cant help but feel that it just wont work out, and i know I have to stop thinking this way so that I dont sabotage this relationship all on my own. The thing is though that I know him quite well....I know how he acts when he really likes someone....and he is not acting that way with me. Most of the time I feel like we are just hanging out as friends....we never cuddle when we watch a movie, we never hold hands, show no affection in public, he doesnt give me compliments or tells me how he feels about me ever. It's just weird. I try not to compare our relationship to his previous one cause I know we are not the same, but I cant help it. he loved his ex so much, he had no problem telling the whole world that he was with her and how he felt about her....they showed affection all the time, he did everything and anything for her. I just wish it could be like that for us. Maybe we just need more time, but sometimes I almost feel like he is forcing himself to try and have feeling for me. It's like he likes the idea of me....he knows I'm loyal, i'm a good person and i'm attractive (not trying to sound conceited), so he knows i would be a good person to be with, but the feelings are not there and it just seems like he is forcing himself to try and get them. I hate it, i wish I could just know whats going on. Instead I feel like i'm stuck in limbo, i want to be with him so I'm gonna put up with it all, but it makes me feel numb inside cause i just dont trust him. i wish it could work out, and I so hope I'm wrong. I just need to stop thinking about it. i need to try and focus on the good stuff. i need to focus on the fact that he is still here, and still spending every night with me.....

To Love

Right now in this very moment, I am sitting here thinking about a special someone, and thinking about him makes my heart feel so much warmth, but so much pain at the same time. Have you ever wanted to be with someone so much, it hurts? Yeah, thats how I feel right now. There is this guy, who I have a long history with, and who has hurt me many times in the past, yet I cant forget him, I cant let him go. Sometimes I wonder what it is that makes him have such a hold on me.....I hate it that he has a hold on me. There were times when I felt like i could move on and be over him, and everytime I felt that way, he somehow crawled back in to my life and somehow those feelings came back all at once. i cant seem to shake them.....sometimes I wish I could. He's been giving me hope that there is still a chance for us, and I have been clinging on to this hope so much, its unhealthy. I'm fully aware that my heart is completely on the line, it's out in the open to be taken and crushed....and I am fully aware that there is a good chance that that is exactly whats going to happen. But there is a small part of me that keeps telling me....what if? what if this time it really will work out? what if he has changed, and grown up, and realized that maybe we are meant for eachother? What if he is meant to be my soulmate? I can't just turn my back and forget about these thoughts, I cant just let it go. I have to give it a try and see what happens.....even if it means I will get completely crushed......and I will be completely crushed if it doesnt work out this time. i really do love this guy....and I can see such a great future for us....filled with love and fun and just being together :-) The future looks so good...I want it so bad. I hope this time its my time....i really hope so. But all I can do is hope.....

Global Warming

So the weather so far this summer has been very bad. Very rainy and cooler then normal. I've heard lots of people say "So much for Global Warming!", and that really annoys me. The reason it annoys me is that people clearly assume that global warming means it's supposed to get hotter. However, global warming means that there is a change in climate....it could get warmer or colder, or just different then normal. It's been quite obvious in the last few years that ther weather is changing. Summers havent been so nice anymore, winters have been different, there has been storms more frequently....it's just changing everywhere, and I wish more people would acknowledge that. I wish people would finally realize that changes need to happen on this earth. But I know that some people are still just absolutely clueless to this. Some people still dont believe in recycling, in conserving energy, and just taking care of the planet. Some people even think that global warming is some sort of a conspiracy theory! Are you kidding me? The evidence is soooo obvious! I hope that more and more people start making changes, even if they are small changes....every little change helps. I, for example, changed all my light bulbs to energy saving ones, I recycle, and I am trying to get rid of all plastics in my house and replace them with more environmentally friendly things. I use environmentally friendly cleaning products, and shopping bags, I try not to leave my lights on everywhere, and I unplug things that I'm not using. And maybe what I'm doing isn's as much as I could be, but I am still learning of what else I could do and will hopefully be making more changes in the future. And again, every little things helps, I think. So please start thinking about our earth and where it's heading, and try to do something....anything :-)

Magical Place and Mourning all in one

So I went away for the weekend, to the most magical place I know. It is a place that is on the lake, outside of a small town. it is incredibly beautiful. There is a small sandy beach, and the swimming is great too. The water is fairly shallow and its all sandy as you walk out. It just feels magical to me. I can feel the spirit flow through me when I stand there at the lake, it's amazing. It's a place I go to to find peace and quiet. And thats what I did this weekend, although unfortunately it did not quite turn out that way. I wanted a weekend all to myself, and then my sister showed up. Not that i dont love her or like spending time with her, but she can be a bit difficult sometimes, a bit selfish. We get in to arguments often cause we are very different people. She is not very emotional, doesnt really know how to look deep inside of herself. Whereas I am very emotional and like to talk about my feelings and stuff. So this weekend I just didnt want any of those arguments, I just wanted to have time to look at my feelings and analyze and such. I had one really nice day, and then she came, and although it was still allright, it wasnt what I was hoping for. so i think I may have to take a trip there again later this summer, and this time i wont be telling her about it. I just really need that alone time sometimes to keep myself from going insane. I'm battling with a few personal issues that I really need to work through, that I need to find a way to deal with. I'm not in the mood to talk about those issues right now, but I will eventually.
The other thing that happened this weekend is that Michael Jackson died. surprisingly this was a huge shock to me and i was actually kinda sad. I know that in the past years he has gotten very weird but i cant forget the talent he had. I cant forget the fact that he once was the most amazing artist ever. I still love his music and still listen to it as well. I know he has been accused of touching little boys and things like that, and not that i think thats ok, or that I'm trying to defend him, but it has never been proven, and I guess it never will be. He is the kind of person that i found extremely interesting. Although it was very sad to see what he made of his life and who he became, it is interesting to me to know why he was like that. Why did he make those changes to his own body? why did he feel the need to change skin colour? I have sooo many questions, and they will never be answered. I just think that you cant judge someone until you truly know them, until you've walked a mile in their shoes. And who know what he had to go through in his life and why he ended up the way he was. Maybe I would be proven wrong, maybe not though. I guess no one will ever know. R.I.P. Michael <3