To Love

Right now in this very moment, I am sitting here thinking about a special someone, and thinking about him makes my heart feel so much warmth, but so much pain at the same time. Have you ever wanted to be with someone so much, it hurts? Yeah, thats how I feel right now. There is this guy, who I have a long history with, and who has hurt me many times in the past, yet I cant forget him, I cant let him go. Sometimes I wonder what it is that makes him have such a hold on me.....I hate it that he has a hold on me. There were times when I felt like i could move on and be over him, and everytime I felt that way, he somehow crawled back in to my life and somehow those feelings came back all at once. i cant seem to shake them.....sometimes I wish I could. He's been giving me hope that there is still a chance for us, and I have been clinging on to this hope so much, its unhealthy. I'm fully aware that my heart is completely on the line, it's out in the open to be taken and crushed....and I am fully aware that there is a good chance that that is exactly whats going to happen. But there is a small part of me that keeps telling me....what if? what if this time it really will work out? what if he has changed, and grown up, and realized that maybe we are meant for eachother? What if he is meant to be my soulmate? I can't just turn my back and forget about these thoughts, I cant just let it go. I have to give it a try and see what happens.....even if it means I will get completely crushed......and I will be completely crushed if it doesnt work out this time. i really do love this guy....and I can see such a great future for us....filled with love and fun and just being together :-) The future looks so good...I want it so bad. I hope this time its my time....i really hope so. But all I can do is hope.....